i have changed track; this blog will no longer be about cancer and my experience with it. funny, it was such a big deal when i was going through it, but now that it's over - it's over. with all the press and awareness about cancer my job feels done. i thought i could be useful, but i think the online resources available are more helpful, and we only have so much time to read about living before we have to live it, besides i have other concerns to write about.

i've known for a long time i needed to write about how it is for me living with a very ill person, but it's difficult and scary. it doesn't matter that this is a public blog, it's the committing of my feelings onto print that somehow makes them more permanent, and i'm not ready for any changes right now. but i am willing to take a good hard look at why i'm still here after twenty years in this very unequal relationship.

during that time i've had breast cancer and a ruptured appendix with yucky complications, which leads me to suspect my body is trying to tell me something. i'm only sixty (the new 40) and don't want to go through any more illnesses, which in my opinion, are triggered by the stress of balancing my husbands increasing needs with the expanding awareness of my own needs. For twenty years i have put S's (husband) needs before my own; it never occured to me to honor myself - what does that mean anyway?

i'm using books to help me with this investigation because i'm basically stuck and know i'm stuck and need a kick in the ass to get going. i will be fighting my fear all the way, and sometimes maybe need a glass of wine beside me as i walk along this path, but hey, at least i've quit smoking!