I Was Caught

Flying anywhere, but particularly on a long flight is an excellent venue for Chatty Cathy's, and I was ill-fated enough to sit next to one on the way back from California. She was nice enough, but I wanted to read the book I just bought. During the disgorge about her cats, with obvious (I thought) purpose, I placed my book on my lap. Undaunted, she spewed on. I picked up the book and ruffled through the pages like it was a new deck of cards, myopically, she plowed on about her job, house, parents and weekend.

Don't misunderstand, I was never rude. I grunted, nodded, smiled and chuckled at the appropriate places, but I had been ambushed. When I feel this way I do something to shift the flow of energy how ever I can. This time I used my all time best show stopper, and said (completely out of context to what she was saying), "Last year I lost all my hair during chemotherapy, but I liked having really short hair, so I'm keeping it short." (Yea, I know it's lame, but I was desperate).

If someone said that to me #1. I would at least pause in my conversation and #2. I would want to know how it felt without hair and how they are doing now - but not our girl. Come to find out her grandmother had breast cancer 10 years ago and was told it might come back within three years. It didn't, and her vibrant and party going grandma had a full and care free life until six months ago when the cancer did come back with a vengeance. Something I clearly do not want to hear or think about.

My point is, when someone has told you something ghastly, horrible, frightening or just awful - let them talk, don't try to top their story with one of your own. And for gods sake, if this person is talking about a life threating thing, don't tell them about someone who just died from it, or is crippled for life or is somehow screwed up from it.

When I told people I had breast cancer, I know they wanted to comfort me (and at the same time were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say), but I heard more bleak tales and downer stories than you could imagine. I didn't have the courage to say to them I didn't care about their aunt, dad, friend...that I was using all my reserves to deal with my own feelings and family, and could we just change the conversation.

I'm hoping the next time you are in a situation where someone needs comfort and support, you shut up and let them talk, or at least ask leading questions. I hope I remember to do that. I didn't when I was talking to a friend recently who had been diagnosed with cancer; I blathered on and on without letting him talk. My redemption was I didn't tell any "I know someone with cancer" stories. Hardly a passing grade particularly since I'd just been through all that shit. It's not easy to break old ways, but as we all know to be aware of them is the first step.