the movie Crazy Sexy Cancer that i saw last weekend really has grabbed me by my short hair and is shaking me up a bit.

what i'm thinking is that i'm not doing much with my life.

i got an email from someone who recommended a book to me called Spiraling Through the School of Life: A Mental, Physical, and Spiritual Discovery by Diane Ladd, and under the title, (you know how amazon teases you with a little quote from the book), it says; "All my life I'd been waiting for my "profound experience" to happen, and I figured that there might even be a helping of thunder and..."

that's exactly what i'm waiting for, a profound experience to show me my path, what if my path is just what i'm doing? i don't know if i could bear it. my life is so mundane, and i touch so few people. i want big, i want showy - i guess i want recognition. but then doesn't what i'm doing to help other people become more about me than about them?

if we really want to do something, we do it, don't we? be honest, we do. we may complain and blame someone for such and such, but in the end, we do what we want to do - the good, the bad, the ugly. think about all the stuff you made happen because you really wanted it to happen even though it was hard - get it?

if i'm in a bad job situation but i still stay there, i must want to be there or else i'd find some way to leave. it's hard to fess up to the wanting to be there part, but just think of all the distance you get out of it. you get to complain to anyone who will listen, you get to get people to support you because of course you're in a shitty job. you get to blame someone or a bunch of someones for your predicament so that gets you off the 'i'm responsible for my life' hook. lots of really good stuff here, you see?

so getting back to me...if i want to do something with my life i guess i have to do it, no one else will.

i seem to be running this theme here on this blog, but i figure if i write about it enough it will sink into my thick head. a knight in shining armor isn't going to swoop in to rescue me by giving me a mission and purpose to my life. that sucks, but that's a fact, and i'd better get myself together soon, because i ain't getting any younger, and i do want to do something meaningful, even if it's just writing this blog and having one person read it and get an ahh haaa moment - (that feels good to write that).