December 30, 2005

A. has come and gone, so has Christmas. We went to a Japanese steak house for Christmas dinner and it was packed, probably because we are a tourist town. Christmas was a non-event - no decorating, no nothing. I totally didn't stress myself. A & S were fine with it.

Having A. here was wonderful. We even had a mother daughter talk, not on the porch where we used to talk when I smoked, but in the car, then in a restaurant. Somehow we started talking about how I could feel her pulling away from me, and I felt she thought I was criticizing her. I'm not, but she is sensitive so when I make a suggestion, like "Why don't you try out the eyebrow pencil," she takes it quite personally and believes I'm saying she is wrong because she isn't using the pencil. I got a weepy in the restaurant and we made a pact to tell each other what we are feeling (if I'm in her space too much or I'm feeling the wall rise from her) so there will be no hurt feelings. All good and I feel closer to her now.

She was very helpful when she was here paying bills and helping at the studio. We all slept a lot while she was here, because all three of us were getting sick. But no matter how much sleep I get I still have huge circles under my eyes.

A. is back to her home now and really sick. I'm mostly better but still taking a lot of supplements to get strong. I have surgery in four days.

I had a session on the QX machine yesterday with Annie which was quite remarkable. The machine said I should take vitamin C, Colostrum and Beta-Glucon which I got today. This machine read my body and electrical waves -very hee-bee-gee-bee . Issues with my mom came up and my desire to please. I feel like I'm stuck in the 7th grade - I want people to like me so I jump through hoops to get them to.

I was talking to M. today and something she said reminded me of my desire to please my dad. I wonder if this is what the cancer is all about - to not have anyone mad at me. I know that was a problem when I was raising the girls, I wanted them to like me rather than be a disciplinarian - wrong move. But it's turned out wonderfully - they are great kids - I'm blessed.