December 24, 2005

Today is not one of my better days. I have a glob in the back of my throat (which usually means a cold is coming on) and I feel very fragile, weepy and on edge. I don't want to tend to my husband Steve. I don't want to tend to anyone other than myself and I don't even want to do that! I'd like to be in a hotel room all by myself reading. But that sure isn't happening.

This is the most incredible Christmas, or rather non-Christmas in my life. Never have I not decorated, even a little. Never have I not done any shopping for presents or even food or just done something for the holiday. It's all good and everyone understands, it just feels weird.

Already on this new path I'm taking I'm learning stuff. Like now I don't give opinions unless I'm asked. (Unfortunately this hasn't lasted, but I'm doing it much less.) This is going to be hard for me but it's worth it. Steve does a pretty good job at least with me.

I was at M's, and D was there. They said my cancer was due to stress - all breast cancer was because women do for everyone else rather that for themselves.

I remember when I told S, his MS was caused by his attitudes. Oh God, how could I? What arrogance to presume I know what causes anything. I cringe just thinking about my saying that.

It irritated me today with M & D. I know they were trying to be supportive and boost me up, but they are talking too much and are into their own stuff rather than asking me leading questions and getting me to talk about myself, making our conversation about me, not them. I felt less than. They implied by not being grateful (that I had cancer) I wasn't going to get better. By not doing what they were doing (they do energy and nutritional work ) I wasn't going to heal. And it's not just them, most everyone has a cancer story they want to tell you - and tell you and tell you. People!Let the person talk about themselves if they need and want to. It's a huge gift, give it to them, just shut up and listen.

As I was leaving I thought let's see how they do if they get this. That's terrible I know, but my ego was on fire and I felt very defensive, hurt and angry.

I am also feeling ill and really don't want to get sick. I will now always have an awareness of my body that I never had. I will now always have the word cancer attached to me in some way. (When I wrote this I thought body awareness and cancer were bad things. I feel differently now, after a year. Yes, filling our forms at doctors offices will require a check next to the cancer box, which is a new thing for me, but getting to know my body in this new way is not such a bad thing. I do have greater awareness, but it's not every moment. I find I'm more like my before cancer self than I suspected I would ever be. Old habits die hard, and mine are hanging on with a vengeance.).

Am I falling apart because I didn't do anything for Christmas? Should I have stayed with the traditions and maintained a 'normal' holiday? Forced myself? NO. I'm not falling apart - I'm prioritizing!