December 23, 2005

A is coming down for Christmas, and I have nothing for her except some gaudy, cheap earrings. There are no decorations - nothing to even imply Christmas is here. I feel I should do something, but I just don't have the heart.

The surgeon called today and told me there is no nuclear product for the sentinel node biopsy, so I can't do that.

On the one hand "thy will be done" and on the other I'm disappointed. I don't want my lymph nodes removed if they don't have to be. I'm afraid it will be painful and there will be complications. This whole process is so barbaric!! Cut and slice and use deadly chemicals. It really hasn't changed in all these years.

I'm feeling as if I'm being too passive with the surgeon. He called and talked fast and I just was in a fog, not really responding - no, I was just reacting, not thinking. I haven't read about BC in a while, giving it a rest, but now I feel as if I'm at a disadvantage. Things are continuing to move very rapidly around me and I'm stalled out.

I wonder if there will be more cancer and it will show up on the PET scan. Maybe I will be able to identify what this lump on my neck is. (I have had a small soft mass on my neck for years. The drs say it's nothing, and only visible because I have such a thin neck. I don't believe them - much.)

January 3, 2006 is the surgery.