December 18, 2006

It's been about three weeks since I felt the lump.

Today my breast is a black and violet fading to yellow. The lump is much bigger. I hope it's just a hematoma from the biopsy. I would like this tumor out. I'm trying to visualize it surrounded by a gate or fence and guard cells are there ready to kill any escaping bad cells. But it's hard to maintain that vision. I go from not thinking about it at all to crying, to thinking about death all in a nano second.

I've rediscovered the book The Power of Intention by Wayne Dryer and it's very helpful in keeping me on focus. I don't want to imagine a bad outcome, sometimes though I think maybe I want to go. Last night walking my dog Pepper I started to believe I had a death wish. I got scared thinking that and forced myself to stop. Singing in my head can distract me, so I sang.

I'm not taking the time to exercise or meditate, and I feel that would help me. The kids are marvelous and I think they are OK with it everything. We are all doing something. A is talking to a nurse friend of hers, V is planning on coming down here and I'm researching.

For the first two days (after I was diagnosed) I was in a fog, but now I'm up to par and have a handle on things. I'm talking to a lot of strangers and friends for ideas and referrals. I've never done that, but it's not so bad. Yesterday I talked to various people all afternoon. I'm reaching out and opening up and it feels great. (In hindsight, talking to other women who had gone through what I was going to go through was very powerful and healing for me. I don't usually reach out - you know, the 'I can handle it' syndrome usually got in my way. But once I got over that talking with other members of this exclusive club I'm in was easy, fun and comforting).

Sometimes I get scared and sad when I read that I have a difficult and fast growing cancer, but then I talk to a survivor that had a worse one and feel better. Very much a yo-yo thing for me now.

Steve is wonderful. I know he is scared, but he is being steady and very solicitous and sensitive. But the whole thing is stressing him out and he is feeling crummy and stiff.

All and all I think everything is going to be OK. I'm working on being closer to God and that's very nice.