December 15, 2005

(Four hours after the doctor told me I had cancer).

What did I feel?
Overwhelmed and unhappy - I cried. I wasn't scared, it was like WOW, I've got it! Dr. B and nurse Helen were as gentle as could be. Very kind. What a job!

Why did I cry?
Helplessness, like I was a kid under my mom's control. I guess I'm fearful, not knee knocking stomach in throat scared, but what is going to happen kind of scared. I'm not crazy about pain and I really don't want any.

My life is completely different-but nothing is different other than I have cancer. My perception of my life is different. If I could shut off my brain and all the fear messages dashing around I would be no different, but I'm not that evolved, and those thoughts are careening around at high speed.

Why me?
Not a bitter question, but what lessons do I have to learn? Is there something I'm supposed to do not with this? I think I'm supposed to educate about breast cancer, but we will see what is in my future.

I feel on one hand it's out of my control - when my time is up it's up kind of thing. But on the other hand I have lots of free will, making choices about treatment etc****overwhelmed*******

Right now I'm thinking I will just do the standard protocol, but I know very little and want to read about Suzanne Somers and what she did. Lots of women have this. I knew someday I would get this. Did I make myself get it? I don't think so, because I didn't dwell and worry about it. Just like I knew I had it. I'm also pretty sure it's in my neck lymph nodes - I will be thrilled if I'm wrong.

To be continued